Stream Near Sight

Have been circling this desert for the longest time that I have almost forgotten how free-spirited I used to be!

Work had been disappointing due to personal prejustice from management so I called it quit back in April. Job searching has not been smooth that through interviews I have forgotten what I am cabable of.

I have been a big disappointment to mom that we have not spoken normally since I don't even know when! It's almost as if I'm none existence! She has tempted me to return back to States until tonight when she saw openings at shabu-shabu restaurant that she tried to convince me to do dish washing!
Why am I here if I am so unwelcomed?
I know I should not question this and I know I should pray more
Don't get me wrong that I'm always excited thanking and praising God fir any little improvement at this prison if mine, but I just wish miracles can happen sooner!

Anyway, I did finally sense stream about to spring out for me in my career direction!
Had a promising interview with a sticky note manufacturer this morning, and also gotten two calls from close friends referring me jobs way better than what I have been seeing!
Though choices! It would be so easy for me to opt for the job that is farthest to mom, better yet to have the choice of not even coming home on the weekends!
Alright, Almighty, I need your direction again!

Touchy, me like!

Been awhile since I went on a date!
Today after Rojohn engagement banquet, went out for a movie date. Maybe it was out of sympathy at first, and also wanting to be a sounding board for this friend's work related flames, I actually gave in to the excuse of "let's make a good use two expiring movie tickets!"

We watched "Thor", which is pretty good 3D action movie.
The entire time I could feel hi arm next to my arm and could hear hi breath!
While walking n waiting in line, he would hold my shoulders and grabbing my arm. I didn't resist as I was first a bit at shock, but surprisingly, I do enjoy these touchy physical interactions!
Good thing strong will wins at the end！
I did not give in to a hug or a kiss at the cheek!
I do however think my judgements do sway a bit now!

Lesson today would be, "ELISA, you are not exempt from being irrational! Be firm and observe subjectively!"

Giving In

Again the beast has won!
I caved in n gave up!
Wounded n hurt, deeper than I thought.

Away I must turn,
forcing myself to deal with it all:
cruelty of capitalism,
managing others or
being managed over others' expectations?
Self-interest or discipline shaped by characters?

Alas, putting an experation date to this responsibility,
I shall be free to choose
be free to be healed from past hurt
be daring to try and seek after my passion

Unreasonable Expectations

Unreasonable expectations are like tsunami waves;
small waves tasks rubs the corners of eyesight
It also is like a food chain that
in order to move,
you gotta feed them to their needs.

Either giants or ants, all are made equal;
you are only given 180 degrees of eyesight!
Even the most even-tempered lions
will learn to roar for justice!

我的心阿
請你騷安勿燥 也別再煩悶
再無理的要求 都是忍耐度的考驗
There are always light at the end of tunnel~

Miss Group Worship

今天偶然看到去年這時與讚美之泉一起參與的錄製
好懷念可以跟一群一樣這麼熱愛敬拜的弟兄姊妹一起敬拜神
想想這真是神的恩典 之前讓我有機會見識到這群熱愛用音樂在神面前
以一生帶領人進前到至聖所敬拜為旨
神阿也請你紀念這群人的擺上:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWfBmzLt-44

Teach me to love

God, I'm really running out of patience: towards mom, in regards to my next job, or even relaiotionship!

God, guard my heart and teach me to be a postive influence in my own family. I reject all the negativity I'd anger and resentment whether from family or from myself. Hold my heart so I do not get influenced emotionally, and give me wisdom to turn each situation around. You know my tendency of hiding back, so please help me and give me what it takes to endure this.

My heart is weary again and I lost my sense of belongingness. Lord, you are all I've got now. You are the only companion I have.

Please show Your mercy to daughter of your own.

Lord, Please Remember My Cry!

Last Sunday, I went on my usual trip to visit grandmom after church, but thus time I called mom insisting that she come. She then went home and insisted dad come along.

Grandmom got her wish! She had been complaining previously that she hasn't seen dad ever since grandpa's funeral. She was overjoyed! Haven't seen her laugh for awhile. She was so happythat she actually ate more and of course insisted we all to eat more than we could too!

Yes, this is the kind of image I had dreamed of and is the reason why I came back. Lord, I do believe you have started Your amazing work in my family. Just grand me the faith to see!

However, these couple days I have been arguing with mom because she went on her usual reasoning of not wanting me to switch jobs and the need to learn to appreciate, etc.
But, then she complained how I did not give her any money，說我很不懂事，不懂得感恩回餽。說我不如表姊表妹，連她們都懂得包紅包給外婆！
我何常不想多為家裡付出一點，我當然希望能有能力多做點啊！

so, I started to think maybe there's a reason God hasn't open the door for me to serve more. Maybe I just needed to find side jobs to aid my income.
Perhaps, I should pick up another tutor job or something.
God, 我不是沒能力的人，i refuse this label! 我不是為了逃避或混不下去而回來的！

please please, help me to have the patience and a strong heart to love unconditionally!